Sunday, September 16, 2012


so, it's been a while peeps.
just wanna let you know i'm still alive and still isolated in an island. duh.

if you wish to read more of my writings, u can go here<--click
u serve me well bloggy n all that were written will remain as memories.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

sa teda duit mo kawen...

tsk tsk tsk....

i've been doubting to write since forever and then, what the heck... it's my blog anyway and it's for my own reading in the future too.. as a remembrance of how my life had been and how i survive through it all..

now, i'm basically 24 years old of age and this coming 12th July is my 1 year anniversary of working.. yada! and yet, sad thing is i still haven't got suffice saving for myself or maybe none. darn! i dunno what happen to my money.. my earning is ok.. still..

yeap, i have a house to pay.. last year when i just start working, i'm buying a house for my family under my name with my parents.. it's a cool house, a double story corner (which me myself haven't sleep in there yet).. well, every month i need to pay for most of the payment which is rather big for a newbie in the working world.. i'm not taking it as a burden coz i know the condition of my family, our nett income as a whole, so it is ok for me.. i'm the eldest.. so what else can i expect, the ball is on me now..

and the money, yes, most of it are going out.. i really hope i can keep it! still, there are times when i envy people who have saving.. i should learn and do it instantly.. no excuses.. right?! yes, sometimes you know, i do want to spend my money for myself too like the others.. buying stuffs that i've been longing.. a transport for myself to be precise, now.. one year of working and i still haven't got my own transport.. i tumpang people and sometimes i just walk going and coming back from the plant.. i do feel bitter bout it but then i understand the whole situation and take a grasp on whatever beliefs i have to make me strong and just don't bother about it..

every now and then, i believe, if i see this financial thinggy as a problem, it will never end unless other wise i'm looking at it differently and start planning something about it.. right now, it still feels like being in uni. kejap ada duit kejap teda.. kalo teda, makan maggi la geng.. haha..

i always remind myself to not allow this whole things make me feel troubled and i believe i can survive through this.. so stan, you are able lah.. (there you go again, self advice to myself)

and lately i've been listening to a sabahan song by Jimmy Palikat, adui btul2 untuk sa oo skrang.. anak kampung..

so, susah la mo kawen ni kalo duit teda.. haha.. mo cari gf pun jgn mimpi la dulu.. haha..

peeps, bersyukurlah dgn apa yang ko ada sekarang.. if you think life is hard, there are other people living a more difficult life than you, same goes to me..

whatever it is, God will provides and i put my trust in that.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

testing testing...

pergh.. so bersawang already the blog.. so not up to date.. haha... a lot of things happened for the past months.. it were great yet somehow there were few events which tought me to be well ermm more adult i guess..

out of the blue suddenly i feel like i wanna write something or rather express about something.. coz i'm not very good in talking about it.. i know that i'm not good in expressing my feelings to people or sharing about what the things inside of me.. that's why most people who are close to me realize that i have the habit of always not finishing my story.. coz certain things are better left unsaid.. coz maybe ya i do admit somehow deep down inside i just hope that people understand without me telling it.. i do know, not all can grasp the whole puzzling vibe i'd shown, still, i can't help it.. even if it is hurt, i try to handle it by myself..

so much for independence eh, neah.. i do have people who i can rely on when things get rough and thanks to them, i'm well survive.. i think it's the eldest son syndrom that somehow contribute to my behaviour.. most of the responbilities are on my shoulder and i must under whatever circumstances try to fulfill it.. putting others first before myself.. i'm so used to it that i forgot the longing of my own.. isn't love is a sacrifice? no matter how difficult life can be for a person, it is good to know that someone they care about is in good condition.

so, just remember, we're born and live in a different situation. some got it easy some got it rough. it's how you put your glass of perspective that made whole things different. a periak maybe bitter but when you know it's actually good for the body, you'll begin to eat it. for me of course. still, when you deal with your responbilities ans stuffs and found out sometimes it's hard to cope, just remember that you do it out of love. that's what will drive you. of course, i admit sometimes somewhere along the line we'll question, when is it the time for me? God! how i hope i have an answer for that. whatever it is, keep up the good fight!aha..

Monday, August 23, 2010


never disappoint those who put their trust in you. if they believe in you, why won't you believe in yourself? stand up tall and go to take over the world! =)

always remember your roots. the very reason why you work all out. in case you forget about it, take a time to think about it and get back to your feelings at that moment and rise up again anew.. =)

You can be big someday! You can be someone someday! it doesn't matter to whom but rather to whom that matters!=)

Friday, August 13, 2010


found this in Facebook. i claim no right of this article and yeah just thinking it as a responsibility for me to share this article.. whatever it is, for those who have married already, look again to your spouse.. look real deep.. and figure out what your heart tells you that time..
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Friday, July 23, 2010

-at the moment..

i know that i supposed not to feel bitter about it but then i do.
hoping for the best for everyone coz everyone deserve it.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

-progress report.. ahah..

so, it has been more than 1 week i'm here in Langkawi.. first week of working, not so busy, still in the orientation phase, getting to know all the staffs, sections and understand the whole process of cement making.. this week, the production YE ( Young Engineers) will begin our training at each section in the production part beginning with quarry tomorrow..

if u ask me, actually i'm really not into technical work but then i'm a person who have big responsibilities on my shoulder. i need to find a good job with a good pay. still, i begin to like my job gradually. i found it is interesting and challenging at the same time. well, taking care of quarries is a really big task k.. i somehow really looking forward to start my job.. yippi..

this week, i learnt that two of my friends were making some big decision on their life. one is my own best friend who quit his current course in Biology to take up the course that he really likes which is art and design. his parents don't know about this and i believe that it takes a lot of courage and consideration for him to act on his decision. his parents are not really supportive of his dreams to take up arts. another one, is a good friend of mine whom i met during SALT camp. what i know is that he rejected a job offer as financial consultant in a local bank at Sabah. he chose to become a worker in a small-pay welfare center.

from my own perspective both of them are people whom i really adore. they follow their dreams and do what they will be enjoying. nowadays, society have high expectations on the younger generations. sometimes, i think everyone think that you can only success if you got a good job with high salaries that spell BRIGHT FUTURE. the way i see it, these two people are taking command of their own life and really know what they truly want and seize it. i believe they too will become successful people in regards of their field but for me what more important is that they live their life the way they want it and happy of it.

yet, not all have the privileges to make decision on their own life. some need to take into accounts those who relying and depending on them. thus, they need to do what is best for them. especially for the first born. sometimes they need to sacrifice a lot. it's a responsibility that lies on the shoulder since they were born. for me, i don't see this as a burden. to be able to provide the best for someone you love i believe will give you a great satisfaction too.

as far as i am concerned, i like my current job and i believe God will guide me along the way too. and yeah, my motivation is my family as what i told my interviewers last time. i will do well, i'm sure.

so folks, as i told one of my friend before, whatever decision you make, if you put you trust in God on the decision you made, i believe everything will go well.